Little Doll: Queens of Chaos 1 Read online

  Copyright © 2020 by L.J. Findlay

  * * *

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise without written permission from the publisher. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission.

  * * *

  This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

  * * *

  L.J. Findlay asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

  L.J. Findlay has no responsibility for the persistence or accuracy of URLs for external or third-party Internet Websites referred to in this publication and does not guarantee that any content on such Websites is, or will remain, accurate or appropriate.

  * * *

  Designations used by companies to distinguish their products are often claimed as trademarks. All brand names and product names used in this book and on its cover are trade names, service marks, trademarks and registered trademarks of their respective owners. The publishers and the book are not associated with any product or vendor mentioned in this book. None of the companies referenced within the book have endorsed the book.

  * * *

  First edition

  * * *

  Editing: Emma Luna at Moonlight Author Services

  Proofreading: Emma Luna at Moonlight Author Services

  Cover Design: Shona Andrew, Spikyshooz Design

  Formatting: Emma Luna at Moonlight Author Services

  Contents

  Author’s Note

  Xanthe

  Xanthe

  Blaise

  Xanthe

  Blaise

  Xanthe

  Blaise

  Xanthe

  Xanthe

  Gemma

  Xanthe

  Blaise

  Xanthe

  Blaise

  Xanthe

  Xanthe

  Blaise

  Xanthe

  Xanthe

  Xanthe

  Xanthe

  Blaise

  Xanthe

  Xanthe

  Blaise

  Glossary

  Acknowledgments

  Keep in Contact!

  About the Author

  Author’s Note

  Thank you for taking the time to read this book and I hope you enjoy it. I am a London based author and, therefore, the writing is in British English, so please take account of that whilst reading. I have included certain terms in the glossary at the back so please refer to that if you are unsure. If you need anything else clarifying, please do not hesitate to get in contact with me. Little Doll is also largely set in London as well as other locales in the UK and abroad.

  * * *

  Please note that this book does contain scenes of drug use, references to mental health, and scenes of sexual coercion. It also contains a scene with mild bloodplay. All of the above is integrated tactfully and respectfully and is relevant to the storyline.

  To my grandfather, Poppa, for always wanting to read my stories and encouraging my dream of becoming a writer. Well, I’ve done it! My first published book is for you.

  Xanthe

  X: I’ll give you tonight, little doll.

  …

  I looked at the three dots, anticipating his next message, a glutton for punishment. A sensible girl would have blocked his number after breaking up with him, not least because of the reasons for said breakup. I am not a sensible girl. My breath hitched as my phone vibrated.

  * * *

  X: Usually I wouldn’t condone such tantrums, but because I love you, I’ll let it slide.

  …

  Again – those fucking three dots. I wanted to scream at him, insist he spits out whatever it is he has to say. He’s never been one to speak quickly.

  * * *

  X: Meus ad infinitum x

  * * *

  I felt physically sick. The dots have finished. He’s done for tonight. At least I thought, no I hoped, he was done.

  I glanced quickly down at my wrist, the foundation doing little to cover the stark black letters, and saw Xanthe Xander ad infinitum glaring back at me. I rubbed at it in agitation remembering the day we got it in Year 11, the summer of our GCSEs, giggling in our united innocence. It was so easy back then, before everything became tainted like some rotten apple core, the worms oozing in and out…

  * * *

  “Come on, Xan, it’ll be a laugh. No one will know!” Xander laughed, tugging my arm as we raced out of school together, high on love and misbehaviour.

  Lagging behind him, trying to half-heartedly free myself from his grip, I bent over with hysteria. It was, and had always been, like this with Xander. Us two against the world, forever and ever. He was the leader in our dynamic duo and I was the willing participant. Over the years our love had evolved, like a flower opening up to the sun, as we had grown together. Now, at the age of sixteen, we were it for each other. No one else. Just us two.

  Wheezing, I cried out to Xander to slow down and he laughed but stopped to hold me against his broad shoulder while I caught my breath. I breathed in his rich, masculine scent, burrowing closer into my sanctuary. It took my breath away how much I loved him.

  “I think I’m all good now, Xan,” I panted, looking up into his rich, storm grey eyes. He gazed back down at me, the intensity of his stare winding me once more, and I met his stare equally, unwilling to break the spell. “Let’s go, let’s do it. Xander, meus ad infinitum.”

  I stared at him, the magic words had been spoken. Our magic words. I swear I saw the delight flicker in his usually guarded eyes for only a moment, but it was enough to make my soul sing with answering delight.

  “Meus ad fucking infinitum.” He smiled, the moment held for a split second longer, and then he kissed me so hard he winded me for the third time in this short period of time. I remembered I kissed him back just as eagerly, my tongue dancing over his as an equal partner. My heartbeat had kicked up a notch and I had moaned greedily into his mouth, clutching the back of his neck and wanting to get closer, uncaring of who might see us. To fuse my very being with his. At the time, I saw Xander’s answering enthusiasm as yet another sign of his continual understanding of what I needed. Of how to satisfy me.

  He chuckled against my lips and I held on tighter, unwilling to let him release me, but he gently placed his hands on my shoulders and gazed down at me. “Love you so much, but how about we save this for later?”

  I scowled up at him and grudgingly acquiesced. He laughed and tugged on my arm, guiding me forward. “Don’t want anyone to catch us. You are mine and mine only, remember?”

  “Of course, babe.” I leaned up to kiss his cheek. “Us two forever.”

  He smiled back down at me. “Us two for fucking ever.” Possessive satisfaction flared in his gaze. “My little doll. Only mine.” He flipped my arm over so my wrist was exposed and kissed it, a featherlight kiss that seared my skin with its intensity. “I can’t wait until that’s branded on our skin for everyone to know.”

  My breath caught and I almost stumbled at the intensity, but as ever, Xander tightened his grip on my shoulder, saving me from face planting into the pavement. I knew he would always be there to catch me. He had always been there to catch me, ever since we were small.

  We walked further down the street, past shops and people, uncaring that we were still in our uniforms. I shrugged out of my blazer as the sun was beating down with uncaring f
erocity and tilted my head up to enjoy the warmth. I opened my eyes to catch Xander’s intense stare, lidded with desire. I smiled and laughed. “Thought we were keeping this till later, Xan?”

  He paused our progress to fasten my shirt all the way up to my neck and then dropped a kiss on my lips. “Just got distracted by my gorgeous girl,” he said carelessly, guiding us forward. I giggled at the endearment and held his hand to twirl out in front of him like we were ballroom dancers.

  I noticed passers-by watching us and felt special because I knew no one loved anyone as much as this boy, who held my hand and gazed down at me, did. I breathed in the dense, cloying summer air of London along with the sparkling motes in the air from the dust and dirt, and the light refracting from the buildings rising tall on either side of us. It was magical. Special. Even now I was in awe of the ethereal otherworldliness of London in the summer. The intoxicating fumes, enhanced to maddening heights by the heat, drugging me into a constant state of euphoria.

  We paused at the lights, watching the traffic rush past, and I saw the tattoo shop just down the street, on the other side. I suddenly felt hesitant. I knew that Xan-Xan was a forever thing, everyone at school did, and so did our families. But looking up at the handsome boy next to me, the devil in my head wondered if maybe, just maybe, we were rushing things. It wasn’t like we were getting married, but there was something about a tattoo that just felt too permanent. Almost as if he was branding me for the whole world to see. Contrary to most parental reactions, I knew my mother would be ecstatic. She would see this as a step towards an eventual engagement ring.

  Did I want that? I was only sixteen…so many things seemed up in the air. With GCSEs, choices for A-Levels, and then I had no idea what else lay beyond that. Marriage? But then I suppose Xan provides all the answers – he was so sure of himself and knew what he wanted to do, it was easy just to trust him. Would it be so hard to stand by his side as his wife? The green man on the traffic light beeped at us aggressively, jolting me out of my reverie, and I skipped ahead laughing at myself, shaking away my morbid thoughts. Of course I would trust Xan – I loved him so much.

  We pushed the door open to the tattoo shop, the jingling bell alerting the staff to our presence. A tiny girl covered in tattoos and piercings came up to us. “How can I help you guys today?”

  I looked to Xan, as usual, and he said, “Two tattoos, please.”

  The girl gushed and cooed, “How sweet! Matching tattoos?”

  Xan laughed awkwardly, I knew he hated being patronised. “I guess you could say that.”

  The girl seemed unfazed by his attitude and busily checked a clipboard. I wondered if she was oblivious or just unconcerned. “Today’s your lucky day! We just had a cancellation so could squeeze you two in if it’s not something too big?” She paused, taking in our uniforms. “Of course, I will have to check ID if that’s okay with you?”

  Xan nodded, showing her our two IDs. He always looked after things for me. Just a small little way of showing how he would always care for me. She raised an eyebrow at me but I stared back, unintimidated.

  “Very well then…I guess I’ll get you started now. If you’d just follow me.” She led us to the back of the shop before turning round and smiling. I noticed the smile seemed rather forced. “What was it that you guys were wanting?”

  The question was aimed at me but Xan, as usual, stepped in and passed her the scrap of paper with the phrase written on it. We thought it’d be nicer to have our names written in our own handwriting. More personal. More us.

  She smiled again and didn’t bother with niceties this time. “How about we get started then? I only have forty five minutes.”

  When it was my turn to sit on the chair, as Xan had offered to go first, the girl had leant down, when Xan was distracted by something on my phone, and whispered, “Are you sure about this?”

  I remembered looking up with incredulity and disbelief, wondering who the hell this woman thought she was. She shrugged and the needle started buzzing…

  * * *

  “Xanthe Meylor, you better not be messaging that boy!” Noelle’s screech yanked me unceremoniously back to the present.

  Shaking my head and scratching my arm, I retorted, “Fuck’s sake, no! I'm not that weak, am I? Don’t even have a drink in me…” I trailed off, it was going to be a long evening pretending that the ghosts from my past were not still haunting me.

  “Well, hurry the fuck up then! Gem and I are ready!”

  “Coming, coming!” I shouted back before slouching back in my chair and surveying my face. You can do this, Xan. You can do this, Xan. You can do this, Xan.

  I laughed because of course we had to have virtually the same name. Looked like the ghosts were along for the party. Glancing down at my wrist again I saw the letters glaring offensively up at me and reached for my concealer almost desperately, items from my messy dressing table going flying. I ignored the mess and focused on my wrist, dabbing at it before brushing powder over it, finally content that the words would stay muted at the very least, if not completely obscured, for the rest of the evening.

  My reflection coolly observed me back when I looked up; hair straight as a blade, cuts sharply above my shoulders, and glistens darkly like an oil slick. I run my fingers under my blue eyes, that glisten almost violet in some lights, to catch any stray mascara or eyeliner. I let my fingers fall and survey my reflection, content for now.

  I checked my phone – 5 p.m on a Saturday, lawless time in my opinion and some dispelling of ghosts was long overdue. I pulled out a little bag from my wallet and quickly racked up a line. Snorting it fully, I tidied myself up and glanced at my reflection. I could definitely do this. I was going to start living my life for once.

  Rushing out to join Gem and Noelle, I screamed in tandem with them as we sank to the floor together, chanting. “GIRLS NIGHT, GIRLS NIGHT, GIRLS NIGHT!” I laughed with them, counting my blessings to have them around me. I was lucky and I knew it, not many people still have friends like I did after Uni. I couldn’t believe that I had wasted so many years not valuing my girls, choosing instead to fritter away hours of my life with a boy. Xander could go and fuck himself for all I cared. The wool was truly lifted from my eyes. There’s no going back now.

  Still laughing, Gem pulled back from our embrace and pushed her long, dirty blonde hair back to look at me sternly. “Xanthe Meylor, Noelle and I have decided…”

  “You guys have decided?” I laughed at her seriousness. Usually she’s the air-headed one of our group, happy to dance along with whatever plan Noelle and I have cooked up. I glanced up smiling. “That sounds ominous.”

  “Hey!” Gem laughed, pushing at me playfully. “We need to get you out of this wallowing mood…”

  I gasped theatrically. “Hey! I’m not wallowing!”

  Gem held up her hand to silence me. “Then why did you take so long getting ready?” She arched a perfectly shaped brow, daring me to contradict her. I didn’t want to prove her point right by talking about my flashback, so I just smiled wordlessly. Gem took that as an affirmative regardless. Sighing, I sat back and let her continue. “Now then. This breakup, although difficult, is long overdue…”

  “True babe, he was toxic. Not good news at all,” Noelle added.

  “Exactly. So, us three are going to head out, get some drinks down us, and celebrate the beginning of the newly liberated Xanthe Meylor!” Gem's voice rose into a squeal at the end and I laughed along with Noelle.

  “Preach it, sister! Fuck boys – it’s all about the sisterhood! Now, let’s go, go, go!” Noelle shrieked, punctuating her words with a slap on the table.

  We found ourselves in our local pub down the road. So typical, I didn’t really expect much else when I knew my girls were dead set on getting me f-u-c-k-e-d u-p. The least amount of walking involved, the better. The wine was cheap, surprisingly drinkable, and I knew that by the end of this particular session we’d be three bottles down, a few keys in, and ready to cause mischief. I didn�
�t particularly care about always ending up in this pub as it was late June and the summer sun still cast its warm rays long into the evening. It was still early so I was content to tilt my head back, sipping on the rosé, and listening to the chatter of my friends.

  I supposed that I had always been the chilled one out of my flatmates, and in all honesty, probably out of our wider circle of friends. Nothing overly special. Not one to be particularly witty or forthcoming with my views. It was always my default to defer to Xander. Something I did out of habit when I was making new friends at Uni. Life was easier like that, or so I thought.

  Xan and I had spent a year abroad, our honeymoon as people liked to refer to it, which I always cringed at. I didn’t know who I was and didn’t know what our relationship was. I knew our families, particularly my mother, were desperate for a wedding, but I was adamant it wouldn’t happen until after Uni. Friends since day one, thanks to our parents being next door neighbours, we were always together and it was just taken as a given that would always be the case. No one was surprised when we fell in love.

  I hadn’t been brave enough to tell anyone except Gem and Noelle that it was over. They lived with me after all, it was going to come out in the end. Everyone else would know by the end of the night thanks to Insta. Noelle was a sucker for documenting our misadventures on her social media and it only got worse when she was drunk. It was a blessing because I always knew what she was up to and that she was usually okay. That she was alright. At times like this, when I really didn’t want people knowing that I’d broken up with Xander, it was a curse. I knew I would be treated like a pariah. Or worse, my hand would be forced so I would fall back in line like the meek Xanthe they knew and wanted.